H. J. Heinz has announced the launch of a new corporate Web site. As one company spokesperson put it, "We were behind other food processing companies in the race to cyberspace, but the new site allows us to ketchup"
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Marriott Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages.The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
(API) The National Democrat Party Headquarters announced today that effective April 1, 2016 that the name of their great and prominent political party would be changed to the Democrat Muslim Party. This name reflects better the views of the Party various sources reported. Additionally, the party will seek to change the American Flag by overlaying it with Muslim symbols. It is felt by the Party Faithful that these changes will improve relations with the Arabic World and demonstrate to them that we no longer mean them any deleteriousness.
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct definition in the right-hand column.
1. effrontery ......... A. Sharp, biting, or acid 2. machination ..... B. Thoroughgoing; downright 3. imprimatur ....... C. Familiar talk 4. acerbic ................ D. The act of plotting 5. rumpus ............... E. A large lump or chunk or something 6. confabulation ... F. Approval; sanction 7. skedaddle .......... G. An outcry or noisy disturbance 8. arrant .................. H. Insulting presumptuousness 9. wodge ................... I. A thicket or grove of small trees 10. copse ................. J. To run away quickly *Answers are located in "comments" for your convenience & felicity.
In the 1930's, a vine native to Japan was introduced throughout the United States as a highly effective means for controlling erosion. Forty years later, the USDA officially declared this miracle-vine a weed. While visitors to the South are immediately taken by scenic glimpses of kudzu-blanketed lands - capes, natives keep their doors shut to keep the creeping plant from taking over their houses. Growing better in the South than it does even in its native environment, kudzu can grow as much as a foot per day, climbing trees, barns, telephone poles--and anything else that gets in their way. And while these vines actually do help prevent erosion, they also destroy entire forests, wrapping themselves around every inch, smothering every tree from needed sunlight... MORE!!!
A UNC grad stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The thunder was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him with it's lights out and stop.
The man, without thinking about it, got in the car and
closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the
wheel. The car started slowly. He looked at the road and
saw a curve ahead. Scared, he started praying, and begged
for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before
he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
moved the wheel. The man, paralyzed in terror, watched
how the hand appeared every time before a curve. He gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran to the
nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked
for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped
everybody when they realized the man was crying and wasn't
About half an hour later, two men walked into the same bar,
and one said to the other. "Look Billy, that's the character who
climbed into the car while we were pushing it."
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new UNC grad with a PhD degree in business administration to be boss. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers...
On a tour of the facilities, the Boss notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!The Boss walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Unflinching, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $500.00 a week. Why? "The Boss then hands the guy $500 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the Boss looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"Just then the foreman comes into the room with a package in his hand. He looks around and says, "Hey! What happened to the UPS man?"