Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture!
An Amusement Park Of Ideas! First Published In The Last Century - July 26, 1997!
Over 9 Million Hits!
Q: How much does a grand piano cost?A: $1000.00. ===============*The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Whocan understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and examinethe mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, accordingto what his deeds deserve." --Jeremiah 17
Please note: If you see a UNC student or a liberal reading 'Thought & Humor', please explain to them which is thought & which is humor. They always get it backwards.......=============== Dog Dictionary BICYCLES:Two-wheeled exercise machines,invented for dogs to control bodyfat. To get maximum aerobicbenefit, you must hide behind abush and dash out, bark loudlyand run alongside for a few yards;the person then swerves and fallsinto the bushes, and you prance away. =============== “Who are You, God?” begets contradictory answers when left to experience or perception. Faced with an array of answers, the seeker often turns to argument. Are the philosophers able to tell us who God is? Having read numerous debates, I have noticed the ease with which thesophisticated can hide behind a mountain of words and been left doubtful asto whether argument, even at its best, is able to untangle the mystery ofGod. While I do not wish to minimize the importance of philosophicaldebate, it seems that many find it easy to climb the ladder of abstraction.Yet I wonder: When the discussion rises to such high levels, how many areblocked from debate and our existential struggles obscured? With the limitations of both experience and argument, frustration reaches ahigh point, and all kinds of caricatures of God can be fashioned to suitour desires. Eugene Peterson tells a fascinating story about when he was a pastor in NewYork City. His church’s caretaker, a German man named Willi Ossa, was anartist by day and a janitor by night. Ossa offered to do a portrait ofPeterson, and Peterson agreed, only to keep the friendship going, for Ossaharbored a quiet but hostile attitude toward Christianity. Day after day,Ossa would paint his subject, yet never permitting him to see how he wasprogressing. One day, the artist’s wife dropped in and with one look at the picture sheshrieked, “Sick! You paint him to look like a corpse!” Ossa, upset by thisuntimely revelation, snapped back, “He’s not sick; that is the way he willlook when the compassion is gone, when the mercy gets squeezed out of him.”You see, Ossa hated the state church of his homeland, blaming it for notdoing more to stop the Holocaust. He wanted to show Peterson his future ifhe persisted in what he perceived to be the “Christian way.” It is a sadstory and an indictment against Christendom’s historic baggage. But behind it all, one wonders if that is not the picture of God that manyhave, perhaps even you, my friend. Born out of some aberrant experience orradical philosophy, one is left with a portrait of an unloving and uncaringGod, conditioned by the artist’s own misperceptions. Once again, a point ofreference is needed in order to answer the question: “Who are you, God?” Ravi Zacharias =============== A UNC student was terribly overweight, so herdoctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I seeyou, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the student returned, she shocked the doctor by losingnearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,"Did you follow my instructions?" The girl nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I wasgoing to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping on the third day."
In the early 20th century a world market for only 4 million automobiles was made because "the world would run out of chauffeurs." Shortly after the end of World War II (1945), the whole of Volkswagen, factory and patents, was offered free to Henry Ford II. He dismissed the Volkswagen Beetle as a bad design. *** In 1894, the president of the Royal Society, William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, predicted that radio had no future. The first radio factory was opened five years later. Today, there are more than one billion radio sets in the world, tuned to more than 33 000 radio stations around the world. He also predicted that heavier-than-air flying machines were impossible. The Wright Brother's first flight covered a distance equal to only half the length of the wingspan of a Boeing 747. *** In 1927, H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, asked, "Who the ____ wants to hear actors talk?" In 1936, Radio Times editor Rex Lambert thought "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bath- room, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the ther stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.' And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.' At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!' Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and poured out all of my beer!
"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had what they called a secret meeting. One of the topics rumored to be discussed is Hillary's $20 million campaign debt. Obama may help her cover some of that. Today she outlined a plan for recouping that money: She plans on marrying, then divorcing, Paul McCartney." -Jimmy Kimmel
"In Chicago, a couple who are Cubs fans have named their baby Wrigley Field. Apparently the couple expects their baby to be a lot of fun, but ultimately disappointing." -Conan O'Brien
We had built our dream house several years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway. "Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!" "Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."
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