Monday

UNC History & Divinity Departments' Quiz Answers!



The following excerpts are answers given on history tests and in Divinity school quizzes by UNC Students. They were collected over a period of three years by two professors. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! UNC Students want to rule the world...

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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock Which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence . Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865 , Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.


(Note Above Statements are apocryphal.)

Sunday

New Scientific Discovery!



UNC botanists (see picture) 
claimed to have discovered
a nomadic tree in the
African 

jungle - apparently it just
packs up its trunk and leaves.


The New UNC Finance Manager!




A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, 
hires a new UNC grad with a PhD degree in 
business administration to be boss. This new 
boss is determined to rid the company of all 
slackers...

On a tour of the facilities, the Boss notices 

a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of 
workers and he thinks this is his chance to 
show everyone he means business!The Boss 
walks up the guy and asks, "And  how much 
money do you make a week?"

Unflinching, the young fellow looks at him 

and replies, "I make $500.00 a week. Why?
"The Boss then hands the guy $500 in cash 
and screams, "Here's a week's pay; now 
GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, 

the Boss looks around the room and asks, 
"Does anyone want to tell me what that 
slacker did here?"Just then the foreman 
comes into the room with a package in his 
hand. He looks around and says, "Hey! 
What happened to the UPS man?"

What's Worst Than A JellyFish?



What's worst than a JellyFish?


A Peanut Butter Fish!


And if things are really bad!!!



They both turn into a Sandwich Fish!!!

New Pilot!



Cessna: Newark Tower, Cessna 12345, 
Democrat pilot. I am out of fuel.

Tower: Roger, Cessna 12345. Reduce 

speed to your best glide. Do you have 
the Newark Airfield in sight?"

Cessna: "Uh, um..... Tower, I'm parked 

on the south ramp and was wondering 
where the fuel truck is."

#ProfHowdy
Google: T3H7P12H
(Images & Videos Also)

Injured Civil Servant!



A civil servant* is badly hurt, after falling 
down the stairs at city hall. He is taken to 
the hospital where he remains in a coma 
for several days.


Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells 
him, "My friend, I have bad news and I 
have good news. First of all, you will
never be able to work again."


"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. 

"What's the bad news?"



*Always voted for the Democrats so 
that he could keep his job!

Your Speeding Ticket!



A UNC student is driving around 
in her red sports car and suddenly 
gets pulled over by the police.

The policeman approaches the car 

holding the ticket and pen ready 
and says: "Young lady, you've been
driving almost
double the speed limit. 

Give me your name please."

"Hmmph!" - says the student looking 

very irritated "And what am I going 
to be called then?"


#ProfHowdy
Google: T3H7P12H
(Images & Videos Also)

TV Vs. Computer!


New UNC Bride!


Montague came home to his noble estate,
only to find his new bride sobbing at the bar.

"Penelope, what's wrong?" he asked, wiping
the tears from her eyes, gently.


"Oh, Montague darling, I wanted to surprise
you with a nice Dr. Pepper when you came in
the door," she gulped. "I started out by rinsing
the ice cubes in hot water, and now I can't
find them..."

#GodsRain


Google: T3H7P12H

#ProfHowdy

#Atheism #Evolution #Genesis


UNC Zoo!



There was this truck driver who had to deliver 5 penguins to the N.C. Zoo. As he was driving his truck through North Carolina, his truck breaks down near Chapel Hill*. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver (who just happen to be a recent UNC grad) $500 to take these penguins to the zoo for him...

Please see "BELOW"
for the rest of the story...






A Foggy Day In London Town Zoo!

The Blue Danube Zoo Waltz!




There was this truck driver who had to deliver 5 penguins to
the N.C. Zoo. As he was driving his truck through North Carolina,
his truck breaks down near Chapel Hill*. After about 3 hours,
he waves another truck down and offers the driver (who just
happen to be a recent UNC grad) $500 to take these penguins
to the zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees
the second truck driver crossing the road with 5 penguins walking
in single file behind him.

The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's
going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo.
And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a
movie."


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A CHRISTIAN LOOK AT AMERICAN POLITICS!
(Why Not Join Us!)



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HERITAGE FOUNDATION!!!

RUSH!!!

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YoursForLife.net
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Jesus Movie (1100 Languages):

JesusFilmMedia.org




Monday

UNC Grad Ad!



A UNC grad placed the following
ad in the paper:


"WANTED: 250 acres in Alaska
to lease between
November and
March. Want to raise frozen vegetables."


UNC Immunity!



Q: Why are UNC students immune 
to Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because it only attacks the brain.

Understanding Women!


Finally Understanding Women! 
 (Proverbs 31)

Big City Visit!



A UNC grad was visiting the big 
city for the first time. 

She checks into her hotel and 

the bellboy takes her bags. 

She follows the boy, and as the 

door closes, she looks around
and shakes her fist at him.

"Look here -- I may be straight 

from UNC, but that don't mean
I'm stupid! I paid *good* money 

and this room won't do at ALL!

It's too small, there's no ventilation, 

no TV -- there's not even a BED!"

"Ma'am, this is the elevator."

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*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., N.U.T., B.R.C.
(Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

Diet Rules For Cheaters!



1. If you eat something and no one 
sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a 
candy bar, the calories in the candy 
bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, 
calories don't count if you don't eat 
more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes 
NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, 
toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else 
around you, then you look thinner.



6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, 

Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red 
Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have
additional calories because they are 
part of the entertainment package 
and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--
the process of breaking causes fat 
leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons 
have no calories if you are in the 
process of preparing something. 
Examples are peanut butter on a 
knife making a sandwich and ice 
cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color 
have the same number of calories. 
Examples are: spinach and pistachio 
ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

10. Foods that are frozen have no 
calories because calories are units 
of heat. Examples are ice cream, 
frozen pies, and popsicles.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color 
and may be substituted for any other 
food color.

#UNCBirdseed





A UNC* student walked into 
the pet store and, after looking
up and down the aisles, asked 
the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," 
 said the student.

"For which kind
of bird?" 

the clerk asked helpfully.

"Oh, I don't know," she 
replied. "Whichever one 
will grow the fastest."




*Please see "comments" for additional pertinent & germane information.

UNC Computer Terms!


BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down in the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.



CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.



INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.



MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the Pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the Skeeters off the porch.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - AMTRAK's Employee of the Year.



UNC Pilot!



UNC Grad Trying Out For 
U.S.A.F. Pilot Position - 
But Unfortunately Pushed 
Wrong Button!!!

Sunday

Humor Cartoons!










1) For ALL (Americans, Muslims, Jews,
Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians,
Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist,
Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist,
French, etc.) have sinned & fall
short of the glory of God.

2) For the wages of above (see #1)
are DEATH (Hell, eternal separation
from God, & damnation) but the Gift
(free & at no charge to you) of God
(Creator, Jehovah, & Trinity) is
Eternal Life (Heaven) through
(in union with) Jesus Christ
(God, Lord, 2nd Person of the
Trinity, Messiah, Prince of
Peace & Savior of the World).

3) For God so greatly loved & dearly
prized the world (Americans, Muslims,
Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist,
Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans,
Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons,
Methodist, French, etc.) that
He even gave up His only begotten
(unique) Son, that whosoever (anyone,
anywhere, anytime - while still living)
believes (trust in, relies on, clings to,
depends completely on) Him shall
have eternal (everlasting) life (heaven).

4) Jesus said: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH,
& THE LIFE. No one (male/female - American,
Muslim, Jew, Catholic, Hindu, Buddhist,
Asian, Presbyterian, European, Baptist,
Brazilian, Mormons, Methodist, French,
etc. ) comes (arrives) to the Father (with
GOD in Heaven) EXCEPT BY (through)
ME (no other name).

This wonderful loving GOD gives you the choice - - -
(Rev. 3:20)


{Please note that church membership,
baptism, doing good things, etc. are not
requirements for becoming a Christian -
however they are great afterwards!!!}


Jesus said, "Wide is the gate and broad
is the road that leads to destruction
(Hell, damnation, eternal punishment),
and many enter through it. But small
is the gate and narrow the road that
leads to life (Heaven, eternal happiness,
forever with God), and only a few find it.

Listen To These Messages by Rankin Wilbourne:
http://subsplash.com/pacificcrossroads/s/hrj5ycu

Listen to Tim Keller speak at Google Headquarters:
http://youtu.be/Kxup3OS5ZhQ

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