English Non-Sense!

There is no egg in eggplant nor is there ham
in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or

French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which

aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its

paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't 

fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of

booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One 
index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends 

but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of

all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a

humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers

should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play

and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be

the same, while a wise man and a wise guy
are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of

a language in which your house can burn
up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which, an alarm
goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers,

and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are

visible, but when the lights are out, they are

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

1 comment:

Professor Howdy said...

Maybe this is why they don't (but should) teach music in high school
any more. Following are actual answers from students on
music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was
called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the
same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-
actly what they sounded like because there are no known

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,
Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a
duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-
positions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano

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