Friday

Puns For Pundits!




Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.




Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.


When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.


It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

I get my large circumference from too much pi.

I'm inclined to be laid back.


A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

Tennis players don't marry because love means nothing to them.

In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.





Dear Professor Howdy,

Thank you for your simply addicting newsletter...it's truly a candidate
for the 8th wonder of the world and 1st candidate for the cyber-world...
it just keeps blooming with more of what I need and, I think, what we
all need...please keep up the great works!!!
Type atcha later...

God bless you,

Phil H
WI



Dear Dr. Howdy, Indeed I am a faithful Tarheel*, having both
MA and Ph.D. from their fine chemistry department.
But that doesn't keep me from getting a great kick out
of the humor propagated by what appears to me to be
a pack of wolves!!**

SERIOUSLY, THE HUMOR IS GREAT FUN BUT MY
MAIN ATTRACTION WAS TO THE CONSERVATIVE
MORAL AND POLITICAL STANCE THAT SEEMED
TO CHARACTERIZE THE FIRST ISSUE I SAW.
INCIDENTALLY (HE SAYS ACCIDENTALLY!), it was
sent to me by a friend, so I really didn't "hear about
you" at all, and still haven't. All I know is what has
come in the two issues of the Newsletter I have
seen. The best to you.

S. P.

*Another name for UNC.
** UNC's archrival - NCSU.





The Bible is the best of all books,
for it is the word of God and teaches
us the way to be happy in this world
and in the next. Continue therefore
to read it and to regulate your life by
its precepts. - John Jay, letter to
Peter Augustus Jay, 1784

"I believe the Bible is the best gift God has ever given to man.
All the good from the Savior of the world is communicated to
us through this book." -- President Abraham Lincoln

"For we must consider that we shall be as a City upon a hill.
The eyes of all people are upon us. So that if we shall deal
falsely with our God in this work we have undertaken, and
so cause Him to withdraw his present help from us, we
shall be made a story and a byword throughout the world."

--John Winthrop, Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony,
1630

"It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and
the Bible." - Attributed to President George Washington



"The Bible is no mere book, but a Living Creature, with

a power that conquers all that oppose it." - Napoleon

"That Book accounts for the supremacy of England."

- Queen Victoria

"If there is anything in my thought or style to commend,

the credit is due my parents for instilling in me an early
love of the Scriptures. If we abide by the principals taught
in the Bible, our country will go on prospering and to prosper;
but if we and our posterity neglect its instructions and authority,
no man can tell how sudden a catastrophe may overwhelm us and
bury all our glory in profound obscurity." - Daniel Webster (Founding Father)

"The Bible is worth all other books which have ever been printed."

- Patrick Henry (original member of the Continental Congress)



"The Bible is the anchor of our liberties." - President U.S. Grant


"It is impossible to enslave mentally or socially a Bible-reading people.

The principals of the Bible are the groundwork of human freedom."
- Horace Greeley (Editor)

"That Book is the rock on which our Republic rests." - President Andrew Jackson


"In all my perplexities and distresses, the Bible has never failed to give me

light and strength." - Gen. Robert E. Lee



"Bible reading is an education in itself." - Lord Tennyson (Poet)


"So great is my veneration for the Bible that the earlier my children begin

to read it the more confident will be my hope that they will prove useful
citizens of their country and respectable members of society. I have for
many years made it a practice to read through the Bible once every year."
- President John Quincy Adams

"The existence of the Bible, as a Book for the people, is the greatest

benefit which the human race has ever experienced. Every attempt to
belittle it is a crime against humanity." - Immanuel Kant (Philosopher)

"The New Testament is the very best Book that ever or ever will be
known in the world." - Charles Dickens (Author)




"All human discoveries seem to be made only for the purpose of

confirming more and more strongly the truths contained in the
Sacred Scriptures." - Sir William Herschel (Astronomer)

"There are more sure marks of authenticity in the Bible than in

any profane history." - Sir Isaac Newton (Scientist)

"Let mental culture go on advancing, let the natural sciences

progress in even greater extent and depth, and the human
mind widen itself as much as it desires; beyond the elevation
and moral culture of Christianity, as it shines forth in the Gospels,
it will not go." - Goethe (Author)

"I have known ninety-five of the world's great men in my time,

and of these eight-seven were followers of the Bible. The Bible
is stamped with a Specialty of Origin, and an immeasurable
distance separates it from all competitors."
- W.E. Gladstone (Prime Minister)



"Whatever merit there is in anything that I have written is simply

due to the fact that when I was a child my mother daily read me
a part of the Bible and daily made me learn a part of it by heart."
- John Ruskin (art critic and social commentator)

"The Bible has been the Magna Carta of the poor and oppressed.

The human race is not in a position to dispense with it." - Thomas
Huxley (Author & Scientist)

"The whole hope of human progress is suspended on the ever

growing influence of the Bible." - W.H. Seward (Secretary of State)



"America was born a Christian nation. America was born

to exemplify that devotion to the elements of righteousness,
which are derived from the revelations of Holy Scriptures.
Part of the destiny of Americans lies in their daily perusal
of this great book of revelations. That if they would see
America free and pure they will make their own spirits
free and pure by this baptism of the Holy Spirit."
--President Woodrow Wilson

For Christians, the life and death of Jesus are the ultimate

expressions of love, and the supreme demonstrations of
God's mercy, faithfulness, and redemption. Since Christ's
miraculous Resurrection on Easter, more than 2,000 years
ago, Christians have expressed joy and gratitude for this
wondrous sacrifice and for God's promise of freedom for
the oppressed, healing for the brokenhearted, and salvation.
--President George W. Bush

"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this

great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians;
not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ. For this
very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum,
prosperity, and freedom of worship here." -- Attributed to Patrick

Henry (original member of the Continental Congress)


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