Our reliable sources place Trump on the grassy knoll in Dallas the day JFK was killed. He was seen speaking with a group of Russian cosmonauts and two Martians just before the fatal shots were fired. Congress is planning to appoint an unbiased special prosecutor, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, to investigate.

Republican senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham and Democrat Charles "Our Man Chuck" Schumer have solidly verified this story in a nude seance utilizing Ouija board and the blood of two roosters.

In a related story, broken by The Washington Post and corroborated by the New York Times, Trump was seen running from Ford's theatre on the night President Lincoln was assassinated. Trump was reportedly accompanied by two Russian diplomats and the editor of National Lampoon magazine.

The totally unbiased FBI is investigating. A statement released moments ago by the agency included "We are leaving no stone unturned. We are currently combing through Mrs. Lincoln's laptop and checking surveillance footage from the theatre cameras that most of the public never knew existed, but we created...uh, discovered them. We ARE going to railroad Trump...I mean find the culprit through modern investigative techniques..."

Mr. Trump is also being mentioned in connection with the killing of Bambi's mom, the expansion of global warming, and the sinking of the Titanic. These are ongoing investigations, as the evidence is still being manufactured.

Stay tuned.

CNN #1 in news that smells like #2
"We don't report the news, we create it"

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